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|How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Rottweiler: Make me!
Lab: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark......
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover.....
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there....
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle....
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?
German Shepard: Alright, everyone stop where you are! Who busted the light? I SAID, "STOP WHERE YOU ARE!!!"
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz
Cat: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light?
Signs You Have a Dumb Dog
As presented on the 10/19/93 broadcast of Late Show with David Letterman
Lengthy pause after "Bow" while it tries to remember "Wow"
Buries tail, wags bones
When you give him Alpo, he just eats the meat-by products
Despite the overwhelming evidence, still smokes two packs a day
Showed up at the Whoopi Goldberg roast in cat face
Has suffered over two dozed concussions from toilet seat falling on his head
Thinks "Snausages" is a real word
Voted for Fred Grandy, Love Boat's gopher, because he really thought he'd be a good congressman
Spends hours staring at kitchen cabinet, waiting for tiny horse-and-carriage to come out
Constantly chasing people named "Katz"
How do you catch a runaway dog ?
Hide behind a tree and make a noise like a bone !
What dog loves to take bubble baths ?
A shampoodle !
What kind of dog does a vampire prefer ?
Any kind of bloodhound !
What dogs are best for sending telegrams ?
Wire haired terriers !!
What do you call a happy Lassie ?
A jolly collie !
What do you call a nutty dog in Australia ?
A dingo-ling !
What kind of dog sniffs out new flowers ?
A bud hound !
Why didn't the dog speak to his foot ?
Because it's not polite to talk back to your paw !
What is the dogs favourite city ?
New Yorkie !
Who is the dogs favourite comedian ?
Growlcho Marx !
The dog is not allowed in the house.
Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
The dog can get on the old furniture only.
Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only
The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.
Rules for Dogs Who have a Yard to Protect
If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.
Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.
Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark ...
Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.
Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll hink it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.
The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.
The Art of Sniffing:
Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.
Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.
Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
Going for Walks:
Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your human, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.
If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.
When chasing cats, make sure you never --- quite --- catch them. It spoils all the fun.
Make a contribution to the fashion industry. ...Eat a shoe